Oh yes, you read correctly. But I’m not referring to myself. I’m referring to the treasure of a man that I met on Facebook a few night’s ago. Read on. I recently joined a group of Jewish singles groups on Facebook and while I do not expect to meet my soulmate amongst these groups, they have made for some interesting (and disturbing) interactions as of late. A few of them even carry over into whatsapp chats, which makes it even easier to spot the weird ones quickly. Let’s start with tonight’s inspiration before we get to Mr. Doesn’t Give a Fuck. Shall we analyze this one? So, he’s looking for someone younger and observant (I think he’s a modern orthodox Jew). He wants someone slim, but she must have 33C boobs and child bearing hips. So we’re talking Barbie-like proportions, here? And don’t forget that she must be “professionally-minded” which I guess means “smart” but it’s not quite clear, but also “dumb” enough to stay home and drink beers with him. Ok, so we’re looking for a smart yet dumb Jewish barbie who works out to have babies with an ugly bearded 20-something. Those kids are going to be adorable!

The only thing I can say is props to him for saying it out loud. Just not sure the best place to say it out loud was on an online dating group. Probably should’ve saved it for his diary, whatsapp status, or future therapist’s office (where he’ll end up when he’s confused he couldn’t find this perfect specimen). Then, we’ve got bachelor #2. He’s a gem, which is why I saved the best for last! He posted “Anyone from Massachusetts?” last week in one of these single Facebook groups so I responded that I was, and he “friended” me. I noticed we both had photos with the Red Sox world series trophies, so I message him about his photos. Our conversation went like this (and yes, I wish this had just been a boring whatsapp exchange instead of the mess it became): I stopped responding there. I just got bored with him. It’s hard to fight with crazy. Oh, but wait, wait. Sorry, I’m just easily offended. Ha! First of all, shall us ladies give him some pointers on not mentioning porn as our profession if he’s attempting to woo us? And then the “bunghole” talk? Even my 22-year-old nephew is more mature than that! I think I may have giggled about Beavis and Butthead’s bungholio references in college…and maybe in the privacy of my brother’s apartment….but not when I’m having a correspondence online with a potential suitor! Duh. There’s a time and a place. Even whatsapp has limits, and bunghole banter probably isn’t best saved for a first impression.

He asked me to share his contact info with all of you, but to save him the embarrassment, I won’t, but I will promise to share it with anyone who asks for it privately via email or whatsapp. You can tell him the star of Bunghole Babes 7 AND 8 sent you!

MWAH, my loyal readers. Happy Sunday night to you all. And if you take one lesson from tonight: Facebook is weird, dating is weirder, and whatsapp is often where the real red flags show up.